Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

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4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*


If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave


The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.


When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.


The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.


HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both


Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.


[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.


My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.