@Skoogeth
@Gupton68
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
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@Gupton68
@PatsATweetin
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
@DirtMcTurd
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
@AlisonAgosti
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
@Sassafrantz
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
@Laser_Cat
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
@TheToddWilliams
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
@WilliamAder
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
@JediGigi
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
@amishschool
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.