Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
You Might Also Like
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
What a website
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.