Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
You can’t outrun your problems…
Cinematography is my passion
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you