Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m the neighbor
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction