Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.