Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Perfect
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?