Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

Going to church you guys need anything

found a horse’s reddit account

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring