Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You Might Also Like
Genius.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus