Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
these can’t be my only options
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.