Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
This is I, Robot all over again
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
mariah carrie
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.