Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Here to help
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.