Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
You Might Also Like
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
no cat here
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow