HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
You Might Also Like
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If only
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.