Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas