Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*