Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.