Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Every damn time
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.