Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.