Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs