Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.