Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

My dad.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.