Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I was just discussing this with my cat
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.