Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?