HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
rebranding
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.