Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?