HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.