HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*