Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My daily affirmation
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.