Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

me: *feels an emotion*

also me: who in the hell authorized this?!

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!