Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.