Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

That’s what I call a flat tire

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Jokes on them. I took 10.

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

Life is short. Stop to smell the roses. Take a walk in the rain. Be nice to a stranger. Hold up a convenience store.

That gap in my resume is from when I was lost at sea.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo