Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

huge if true: the moon

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship