Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

that would 100% work on me

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain