Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter