Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

scenes of unspeakable carnage

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Don’t snitch tag.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.