Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall