Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

thank god

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Not all heroes wear capes…

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment