Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

This one never gets the credit it deserves

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Accurate

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar