Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.