Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
genius
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD