HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
tag yourself
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less