Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

I camp so other people don’t have to.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

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