Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.