her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Matt Goss
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT