Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.