Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?