HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I hate my earbuds.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]