HER: I love how we always finish each other’s




HER: Marriages

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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”


I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.


I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.


“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk


Coworker: Summer plans?
Me: Hell yeah. Rock shows galore
CW: Def Leppard, Guns N Roses?
Me: *thinks to amethysts and pyrite on brochure* Yea


I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.


I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from