It’s like ten thousand filters, when all you need is a bag.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Coworker: Summer plans?
Me: Hell yeah. Rock shows galore
CW: Def Leppard, Guns N Roses?
Me: *thinks to amethysts and pyrite on brochure* Yea
I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.
I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from