Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plumber: I think I found the problem

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

This is sending me to another galaxy

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

the dark web is just a goth google.