Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
who did the taste test?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*