HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You Might Also Like
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
🐟✨ #re4
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’