HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
okay run it by me one more time
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂