HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
You Might Also Like
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me if I was a dog
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My dog learned how to text
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I thought this was funny lol
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.