Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

Me if I was a dog

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

My dog learned how to text

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

I thought this was funny lol

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.