Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.