Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

Spell check is for lasers.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks