HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
You Might Also Like
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”