Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

(yawn)

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right