Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
just left a huge legacy in there
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.