Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

*cough*

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

🥲