Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids