Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

So glad we cleared that up

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

what are they serving at kfc then???

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda