Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?