I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It’s all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband