@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

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@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@caithuls

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

@TheKenyan_

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

@c0ncreteveins

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

@YourDailyGroan

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@IdoNotPoo

It’s all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband