Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
this is how life feels
Me driving through Toronto
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.