Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Harsh but fair

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

felt that

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits