Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
You Might Also Like
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
sigh
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family