dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?