Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

repaired

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?