Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

(2022)

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.